Lessons in Shock: Dissonance

Dissonance is defined as tension, clash, and lack of harmony. Dissonance is the feeling that triggers shock so it’s worth understanding.

The tension is between what we think reality is and what it actually turns out to be. That tension is with us all the time. As humans our capacity to see and understand reality is constantly expanding. Since no single individual can see and understand everything, Reality is constantly teaching us, urging us to upgrade our databanks and models.

This tension goes through cycles we call learning. The tension rises as we are faced with what we do not yet know and it lessens as we learn and integrate. On a good day, this cycle happens easily. Think of the very young human learning to walk. It’s possible to have profound patience with our learning!

Think of the clash as emotional reactivity added to the learning cycle. “It shouldn’t be that way!” “I can’t figure it out!” “Why me?” This is sometimes called wishful thinking or projection. Emotional reactivity slows down the learning cycle: we cling to an outdated model and don’t get the gains of integration and the associated relief of tension. The tension between what we expected and what is happening is kept in place – and the tension grows.

On a bad day, this rising tension creates a reaction cycle. We relieve the tension through emotional explosions that give us temporary relief but do nothing to resolve the source of the tension. Instead of learning to walk, walking becomes the enemy. We sit where we are with no end in sight to the tension – and thus no hope.

This is where a lack of harmony can help. Harmony is an invitation. When it is lacking, it just invites us more. Even in circumstances where dissonance is large and loud, there are always sources of harmony. I may be the adult baby sitting stuck in my frustration but if I shift my focus, harmony is everywhere. It’s the feel of the breeze on my skin. It’s the dog that comes over and licks my face. It’s the loved one that reaches out and picks me up.

Harmony restores us to our center – and from there we can move again. Being at the center is key for learning, opening up 360 degrees of possibility.

Learning is a lifelong endeavor and dissonance is a major driver of learning. Shock occurs when we get lost in the dissonance, fighting and reacting instead of learning. Harmony restores us to our center, fueling our profound human capacity to learn.

Lessons in Shock, Part VI

This series of posts, Lessons in Shock, is being written in response to life in a world defined by our experience with the coronavirus. However, this is not just about dealing with the threat of Covid-19. This moment, like any, needs our integrated knowledge to be put to use. And this moment, like any, is an opportunity to rise up, fueled by the raging fires of who we seek to be, rooted in the magma of our ongoing creational potential. This moment, if we make it so, is about choosing life. I’m choosing to write about shock because, in the world I see right now, shock is the biggest threat to that choice.

Be kinder to yourself than you’ve ever been before.

Kindness is the only language that speaks to shock. And shock teaches us to recognize and use the true voice of kindness.

Kindness is an unerring presence with what actually is, devoid of reactivity.

Kindness is a guide, rooted in what is possible, directed toward what is attainable.

Kindness is the voice that speaks when we have nothing to prove, nothing to defend, no score to settle.

Kindness is a teacher, showing us the raw materials we have to work with and how to assemble them into something we need.

Kindness knows that resilience is the only good answer to challenge. Kindness refuses to make an assault on that resilience.

Kindness is the instinct that truly understands how to shelter, what distances is needed, what measures are necessary.

Kindness is a wide open door to human connectivity, accessible under any conditions.

Shock teaches us the gap between reality and our beliefs. Kindness bridges those gaps, weaving us back into reality to live another day.

Kindness starts at home.

In this time of profound shock, be kinder to yourself than you have ever ever been before.

 

Lessons in Shock, Part V

This series of posts, Lessons in Shock, is being written in response to life in a world defined by our experience with the coronavirus. However, this is not just about dealing with the threat of Covid-19. This moment, like any, needs our integrated knowledge to be put to use. And this moment, like any, is an opportunity to rise up, fueled by the raging fires of who we seek to be, rooted in the magma of our ongoing creational potential. This moment, if we make it so, is about choosing life. I’m choosing to write about shock because, in the world I see right now, shock is the biggest threat to that choice.

Shock isolates.

At its root, shock is completely focused on survival. At a cellular and visceral level, we know we only exist in reality. Shock says: “Reality is not what I thought it was. Now what??” Shock is the signal to our system that we better catch up – or else. That means re-evaluating – everything. And every one.

This is so important. In crisis we need others. We need support, community response, and the hope and humor that is found in our connections to others.

Unintegrated shock deprives us of this, holding everyone at bay as another potential source of threat.

The biggest challenge is that shock is not wrong: we should re-evaluate. That friend who helps us escape from the stress of every day life may be someone who tries to draw us into a false normalcy when that will not help us. That family member who is prepared for everything may shut their borders, afraid now to let us in.

Shock says: “Look at what is happening right now.” And shock is right. A crisis is no time to simply apply habits, observations and evaluations of the past. Re-evaluate.

But don’t let re-evaluation become isolation, or worse: enemy-making. Protect yourself, yes. But don’t make war.

Look closely at the people in your life and put your faith where it is deserved. Who is holding steady? Who is surprising you with how they are rising to the occasion? Who needs your special blend of knowledge, skill, and compassion so that they can rise to the occasion?

Do not look for perfection. The mistakes are going to pile up now faster than ever. We are in unknown territory and none of us know the actual rules of engagement. And most of what we do know we are learning the hard way.

Be the kind teacher to yourself, life, and others. When we place the key of kindness into the keyhole of shock, the doors of humanity open to us.

 

Lessons in Shock, Part IV

This series of posts, Lessons in Shock, is being written in response to life in a world defined by our experience with the coronavirus. However, this is not just about dealing with the threat of Covid-19. This moment, like any, needs our integrated knowledge to be put to use. And this moment, like any, is an opportunity to rise up, fueled by the raging fires of who we seek to be, rooted in the magma of our ongoing creational potential. This moment, if we make it so, is about choosing life. I’m choosing to write about shock because, in the world I see right now, shock is the biggest threat to that choice.

My grandmother died in a Connecticut flood in 1982. She was at a wedding and, despite the terrible storm raging that night, she made repeated attempts to get home. When she could not find a way in her own car, she enlisted help at the nearby fire station. She died when the town vehicle attempted to go drive over the Roaring Brook overpass and was swept into the raging waters. The young driver spent the night with her dead body by his side until he was rescued the next morning.

Emotional shock insists on normalcy. It insists on doing the thing you planned to do before reality changed. It is so insistent on that normalcy that it will convince those around you, people who should know better. In that insistence, shock will use whatever tools are available. My grandmother was a teacher at the high school in this small town – beloved and respected. Whether she pressured that young man directly, or he simply deferred to her well-earned authority, her insistence won. And lost her her life.

On a good day, shock buys us a time. “This can’t be happening!” is a signal that I’m on overload and I need some kind of spaciousness in order to integrate, calibrate, and adjust to reality. Shutting down and temporary denial can serve that purpose, just like it’s necessary that we sleep even in crisis and war zones.

Insisting on normalcy doesn’t buy us time or integration. It shutters our attention, decreases our maturity, and puts us at war with reality itself. Here’s the spoiler: reality wins.

Do what you need to decrease your panic, reach for comfort, and reassure yourself. Yes, do that. Even better, reach for the normalcy of laughter, of love, of simply feeling the caress of a breeze – even when the moment or the future is looking dire.

But don’t let shock convince you to paper over reality with normalcy. Instead, let shock wake you up to the new normal. The quicker we are to choose the life we are in, the better chance we have of making it a normal worth having.

Lessons in Shock, Part III

This series of posts, Lessons in Shock, is being written in response to life in a world defined by our experience with the coronavirus. However, this is not just about dealing with the threat of Covid-19. This moment, like any, needs our integrated knowledge to be put to use. And this moment, like any, is an opportunity to rise up, fueled by the raging fires of who we seek to be, rooted in the magma of our ongoing creational potential. This moment, if we make it so, is about choosing life. I’m choosing to write about shock because, in the world I see right now, shock is the biggest threat to that choice.

Shock and panic are intimately related, but separable.

Shock is the confrontation that Life is more varied than our brain accounts for.

Panic is a reaction to that confrontation.

Both are unavoidable- it’s the human condition. Our brains can only model reality based on our experience. Fear is a natural first response to the unknown.

What matters is what we do with that initial panic, our panic response time.

If we shut down, we live inside fear and the panic response time is extended. This is denial and creates a cycle of further shock (more confrontation with reality) and panic.

The solution is to engage. Make the unknown known. Take a deep breath and then another one – this is not a time to hold your breath!

Reduce your panic response time. Be willing to be in the world that is. No matter the conditions, being present is better than the alternatives.

You are needed now. Show up.

Lessons in Shock, Part II

This series of posts, Lessons in Shock, is being written in response to life in a world defined by our experience with the coronavirus. However, this is not just about dealing with the threat of Covid-19. This moment, like any, needs our integrated knowledge to be put to use. And this moment, like any, is an opportunity to rise up, fueled by the raging fires of who we seek to be, rooted in the magma of our ongoing creational potential. This moment, if we make it so, is about choosing life. I’m choosing to write about shock because, in the world I see right now, shock is the biggest threat to that choice.

Shock is the biggest mitigator of our ability to assemble our reality.

Assemble: fit together component parts

Just like we assemble cars, crowds, and orchestras, we also assemble reality. But reality consists of SO many component parts that the human brain cannot take them in at once, so it takes short cuts. Normal functioning of our brain uses past experience to create predictive patterns so that we don’t have to attend to all the details – driving is a classic example.

Shock is the mechanism that reveals our shortcuts.

On a good day, reality puts something we didn’t expect in our face and we see a hole in our consciousness. Holes, especially unintended ones, are something to be fixed. On a good day, shock points out the holes, we update our predictive patterns to be better ones, and we live to see another day.

Shock: this can’t be happening!
Reality: you’re not the boss of me
Shock: oh, right – thank you for upgrade

On a bad day, shock creates a war with reality. Instead of creating an awakening, the electric current of shock fuses a block of inadequate assembly, solidifying the component pieces we want to hang onto as if making them into a wall could keep reality from entering.

Shock: this can’t be happening!
Reality: you’re not the boss of me
Shock: I’ll show you…

On a good day, shock focuses us our attention. Integrating that shock is an act of learning.

On a bad day, our shock turns our ignorance into a weapon.

Make it a good day.

 

Lessons in Shock, Part I

This series of posts, Lessons in Shock, is being written in response to life in a world defined by our experience with the coronavirus. However, this is not just about dealing with the threat of Covid-19. This moment, like any, needs our integrated knowledge to be put to use. And this moment, like any, is an opportunity to rise up, fueled by the raging fires of who we seek to be, rooted in the magma of our ongoing creational potential. This moment, if we make it so, is about choosing life. I’m choosing to write about shock because, in the world I see right now, shock is the biggest threat to that choice.

Preparedness comes from integrating the life we’ve lived. Here is something I know from a life with Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS) that is informing me in this time of Covid-19.

I live in a body that doesn’t process adrenaline well and that responds to alarm with runaway inflammation. For me, gaining health and reducing pain has been a lifelong lesson in learning to process emotional shock. (More about AS in another post.)

Shock in all forms shuts us down. It chooses a very small bit of reality for hyper focus and blurs the rest. Shock plays a shell game with data and replaces the present with a loaded overlay from the past. It disengages critical thinking, curiosity, and digestion.

Shock is pervasive, multi-layered, and cumulative. We all live with significant unresolved shock from our past – and new shocks build upon it. The coronavirus situation is building a palace on that foundation.

Change that.

Shock stems from the belief that we cannot handle reality. We can.

Emotional shock tells us to withdraw. Extend yourself. Give whatever you can to yourself and your community.

Shock insists we must hide from the unknown. Embrace the unknown and your incredible human ability to learn and think.

Shock muffles the brain and the sound of our voices. Use your voice and thinking to gain clarity and detail and acuity.

Here are prayers from a friend that inspired this post. She speaks of the specific nature of the world she sees, naming what matters.

What do you see? What – specifically- do you pray for? Name it. We do not have to accept the fog and reactivity in ourselves or others.

I pray for an increased capacity worldwide to pay attention to all the details, recognize patterns, and work together to see what needs to be seen so that we can do what needs to be done.

Prayers from Cho
It is my prayer that Covid-19 is contained worldwide. I pray that all its chains of transmission are broken. I pray for all the people who are in or end up in quarantine, in the service of breaking the virus’s chains of transmission, that they understand the value of their sacrifice and that they have the patience and resilience they need to engage their quarantine in a good way.

I pray for all the people who have died or will die of Covid-19. I pray for all their families and loved ones. I pray for all the scientists and public health officials who are working to help us understand this virus and to keep us safe from it. I pray for everyone who has a job that requires them to be in contact with the general public. May they remain healthy and safe.

I pray that each of us humans alive on this planet, make wise choices, including frequent hand washing, that help stop this virus in its tracks, before it has a chance to do any more harm.

I invite you to join me in these prayers.

Creativity – Making It More

Just read an article from mid-July’s Newsweek called The Creativity Crisis.  (Yes, I know, I’m a little lagging behind.)  It’s quite exciting, even though it is reflecting a decline in creativity in children in the US, because it recognizes that there is at least one way that children learn, exercise their ability to be creative, and value what they learn: project-based learning.

We all recognize the feeling, yes?  Why do I have to learn this?  I’ll never use it.  This is stupid.  When we feel that way, remembering things is hard, and making use of them is harder.  This is true – at least in my experience – of adults as well as children.  Have you ever gone to a work-related seminar or training session?  Was it useful?  Or did it leave you with a certificate of completion but not much else?

If the latter, how much different would it have been if you went into it with a pressing question related to the topic – a project?  One which the seminar didn’t quite answer, but gave you substantial information about – enough to engender more questions?  The prospect sends shivers of excitement up my spine, because it offers a path from the known to the unknown: our questions (when accompanied by desire and determination to find or create answers) are the real and imagined road from the one to the other.

Here are 2 other hints the article throws out:

• have multiple creative tasks going at the same time, and switch between them when you get stuck on one
• try 30 minutes of aerobic exercise – it improves “almost every dimension of cognition, ” including creativity.  This only works for the physically fit (others may be exhausted by the exercise) – but if you keep taking your 30-minute exercise breaks, soon you will be fit, and will get the added benefit of the boost in creativity!  Now, that’s efficiency. 

Predicting the Future, Part II

I love statistics.  I love gathering information, making it understandable, examining how one bit of data relates to another.  I love how it helps me understand where I’ve been, how it illuminates a way forward.

I’ve recently participated in two shooting matches, and my overall score in each of them was pretty similar and it seemed like not much had changed.  But when I looked at the data (my scores on each of the stages, and the order I shot the stages in) I learned two key things:

• I’m consistently shooting better in the first half of the competition.  Likely, I get tired after that.
• My scores in 7 of the 8 stages where significantly better the second time – it was one not so good stage that increased my second score significantly so that the overall score was similar to the first time.

Data in hand, I’m now predicting that I’ll continue to improve in the next competition.

But data is not the only basis for prediction.  The first competition was pretty overwhelming; the second one a lot less so.  I talked more with people who knew what they were doing, and I’m learning to recognize where the significant challenges are in each of the stages.  Gaining familiarity and resources makes it easier to be in the feeling of the experience, to align with it.  Even if the second experience had brought no change in performance, I’d be predicting improvement from here just on the basis of establishing relationship to the people and the environment.

But wait!  There’s more!  Getting my gun out of the holster more smoothly, gaining speed in my trigger pull, developing more autonomic body memory of proper position – these are things I’ll be practicing between now and the next match.  And bringing a good lunch to the match (since forgetting to eat may have contributed to poorer scores in the second half).  My intent is to shoot better, and I’m committing actions to making that happen – and therein lies a third basis for prediction.

Data, relationship, action.  Each of these tells us about the past and the present in a manner that helps us prepare for the future.  The mystery is still there, but now we’re dancing with it.

Predicting the Future

My habitual pattern is to drop my car keys on the kitchen counter.  That means it’s a pretty good prediction most days that the kitchen counter is where my car keys will be.

But that’s not true every day.

What if I arrived home last night really really really needing to pee?  The kitchen counter might not have been my first stop.  (Hopefully not, really.)

If I’m not paying attention at that point, those keys might be harder to find today.  But just the thought, “I better put these keys in the kitchen,” (followed by doing so) would restore the pattern, making today’s prediction of keys on counter a pretty darn accurate one.

Alternately, I might arrive home, keys in hand, enter the kitchen and think, “I’m tired of having things strewn on the counter – I need a new system.”  So, I find a basket or a hook or suddenly the potted plant by the door looks like just the right home for them.  Now the prediction of keys on the counter becomes a pretty bad prediction.

Knowing the future relies on these three things:  seeing the pattern that has come before, assessing the degree to which that pattern is in place in the present, and realizing how human awareness is operating in relationship to this pattern – either deliberately restoring a pattern that’s been disrupted, or intentionally instigating a change in pattern.

The future is easy to predict if it’s easy to see the pattern in the past, not much has changed in the present, and there’s little human awareness affecting how this pattern will move forward in the future.  But shift any of those and the future just grows in its mystery.